One of the things you come to accept as a parent is that your life is going to be filled with a series of irrational fears.  After a while you get used to it, but there are a few that never seem to go away.  Sometimes they appear in the form of a nightmare that wakes you up every night in a cold sweat with your heart thumping at 185 beats per minute.  For me, that nightmare is Glenn Danzig pinning a corsage to my teenage daughter’s dress as they leave for her high school prom.

It is certainly a preposterous thing to be afraid of, but most fear has an element of the absurd to it.  About three days before the prom my daughter starts telling me about this great guy named “Glenn” who she met at the mall.  Fast forward to the night of the prom, the doorbell rings and I walk over to it.  She is upstairs getting ready.  I open the door.  There he is…Danzig.  Of course, my daughter is two years old right now and Danzig is 56, so there is a bit of an age difference.  By the time my daughter is ready for the prom Danzig will be 72.  In the nightmare, he doesn’t appear that old.  He looks like the snarling Lucifuge-era Danzig that could beat up four Marine battalions and the Dallas Cowboys without breaking a sweat.  He is wearing one of those horrible rental tuxedos with the godawful ruffled shirt and yet he still looks menacing.  He is polite at first.  I ask him to come in and have a cold soda.  He sits on my couch and stares blankly at nothing in particular.  I am freaking out.  I keep hearing that part of the song Mother where he says “I’m gonna take your daughter out tonight….Gonna show her my world…. Not about to see your light….If you want to find hell with me…I can show you what it’s like”  Ehhhhh!

“So, Glenn, how did you meet my daughter?”

(Here’s the part that is kind of strange.  During this section of the dream, he sings everything he says in a sinister, baritone voice)

“We were in…Hotttttt Topicccc…..and we started….talkkkkkkking…..She said she likes Gothic Roccckkkkk…..”

I puff out my chest and try to pull off the intimidating, “make sure and have my daughter home by midnight or else” dad act.  This would work on most high schoolers, but it’s not going to put any sort of fear into Danzig.  “Uhmmmmm.  What are your plans for this evening, Glenn?”

“We’re going for a ride on my….Harrrrlllllleyyy.  Then, we’re going to go out (drums start to pick up from out of nowhere) dannnnnciiiiinnnnngggg!!!!”

I try to change the subject to something less threatening.  “So, any chance of a Misfits re-union?”

Danzig just laughs and stares off into the distance.  The room is filled with three minutes of icy, uncomfortable silence.

The next fifteen minutes are a blur of horrible memories.  My daughter dancing down the stairs and leaping into Danzig’s arms, taking pictures out on the front lawn with her, her friends and the dude who once sang the lyrics “I Want Your Skulls, I Need Your Skulls”, sneaking glances at my equally horrified wife. I wake up screaming.

How does a responsible parent deal with this?  If we tell her she can’t see Danzig, that might drive her right into his arms.  I could see it now….“Honey, you can never see that Danzig fellow again!”

“I hate you mom and dad!!!!!  You are trying to ruin my life!!!!!!”

Next thing I know it I come home and there is a note on the refrigerator that says “Went to Vegas to marry Danzig.  Back on Monday.”

We certainly cannot condone this sort of behavior.  I’d much rather see her dating one of those brooding, introspective Echo and The Bunnymen poet-socialist types.  However, so much is out of your control.  You just try to do the best you can raising them and hope they make good decisions. Being a parent is hard enough without having to worry about your daughter dating Danzig.

Ceci n'est pas une Danzig

On some level, we are all Glenn Danzig.  I’m not really sure what on earth that means, but it seems like a fair enough way to start this weird monstrosity I’m about to write.  Spending a good amount of time on social media sites tends to warp one’s mind a bit. Ideas that would have made Howard Hughes blush start to seem quite normal.  All right, enough with this intro….I’m just going to come out and write it…I have spent the last three days of my life trying to become friends with every single person on Facebook who claims to be Glenn Danzig.

I’ll admit, this is a bit strange.  I want to be clear that I am not cyber-stalking Danzig himself, simply people who claim to be him.  The Internet allows for the human identity to be hidden or warped in many unique ways.  How many of us are completely who we claim to be?  However, claiming to be Glenn Danzig is a whole other thing.  Why would hundreds of people claim to be Glenn Danzig online?  Hundreds!  I need to know!  According to the Tyranny of Tradition Research Department, there are now fake Danzigs on four continents.  The spread of fake Danzigism is reaching nearly epidemic proportions.

A terrible thought runs through the back of my mind every time I see a fake Danzig on Facebook.  I worry that they may not, in fact, be fakes.  Is there some sort of virus spreading throughout the world that converts normal citizens to bloodthirsty Danzig clones? What if these are people who died while listening to Her Black Wings and, somehow, the spirit of Danzig leaped into their bodies turning them into Danzig Zombies?   Is there some Boys From Brazil type mad scientist who does nothing all day but take Danzig DNA off of fishnet he wore on the Blackaciddevil Tour in the hopes of creating an army of Clone Danzigs with X-Men type powers?  What if these Danzigs have already been created and are marshaling their forces for a full-scale assault on Western Civilization? Indeed, with technology all things are possible.

Another unique aspect of the Internet is that weird people are able to communicate with other weird people that they might have never met.  My internet friend Kelly from Canada and I have parlayed our mutual fake Danzig obsessions into a once in a lifetime event….DANZIG BOWL I.  Basically, we are competing to see who can collect the most fake Danzigs by Sunday July 17^th at 7:00 PM.  I’m not really sure what we plan to do with them.  I am all for the idea of putting them in a Thunderdome style cage and having them fight for faux-Danzig superiority.  Maybe the real Danzig would let the winner come up on stage and sing London Dungeon or something cool like that.  Maybe the real Danzig will read this and get an immediate restraining order against me.  I’m going to bet the second is more likely.

One of the great aspects of this event is the preparation.  We have actually discussed whether Glenn Anzalone Danzigs should be counted.  Anzalone is, as most deeply committed fans know, his proper birth name.  This is a critical structural matter because it means that an additional 12 Danzigs are then in play.   Then, there is the issue of poorly committed Danzigs.  Should a person who uses their personal picture of themselves or no picture at all but still uses the Danzig name count in the final tally?  I believe in a pluralistic approach to fake Danzig stalking.  It doesn’t matter if you use your picture or no picture or a picture of a Christmas ham, if you use the name, you are a Danzig at heart.  Even that fake Danzig with no picture whose entire profile simply says “Glenn Danzig, Indiana State University” can be included.  Just in case you are curious, I am currently trailing Kelly 5 to 4.  I had a 5^th Danzig but I think I may have scared him off.

I have some pretty major plans after Danzig Bowl, win or lose.  I’ve thought of creating a Facebook account as Glenn Danzig and only being friends with other fake Danzigs.  We could set up a support group for bogus Danzigs dealing with issues that might plague people who pretend to be Danzig online.  We could band together and throw our support to political candidates who support Danzig worthy causes and boycott all non-Danzig friendly businesses.  My big dream is that there will be a day where for one whole 24 hour period everyone on Facebook changes his or her name to Glenn Danzig.  Kind of like in Spartacus.   I admit, it’s a strange dream, but then so is drowning in orange juice while being laughed at by forty mutant clowns wearing Richard Nixon masks.

When rumors first came out a few months back about Glenn Danzig taking a break from touring because of his pregnancy, most people thought it was just a publicity stunt or a very strange joke.  However, on Friday at 5:34 AM, after being in labor for 18 hours, Danzig gave birth to two beautiful daughters.  The girls, Christina and Sistinas, both weighed nearly seven pounds and were in great health.  Danzig, overcome by the beauty of the moment, broke into an soulful, impromptu version of “Mother” as he lay prone on the operating table.

While male pregnancies are not common, thanks to medical technology they are becoming a bit less rare.  Danzig, however, needed no help from doctors in order to spontaneously grow a womb and ovaries.  He simply willed it.

Danzig, who is planning on creating a master race of Danzig children all sharing his superior DNA, knew that he couldn’t rely on his wives to help create perfect beings.  In spite of the fact that he is currently married to 64 women, including actress Meryl Streep, he claimed in a recent interview that he refused to “diminish his essence” by procreating with others.

Danzig is not a stranger to bizarre birth stories.  He was, in fact, born in a laboratory in Lodi, New Jersey in 1955.  Dr. Helmut Neumann, a German scientist who immigrated to the US after World War 2, created Danzig by mixing the DNA of blues singer Robert Johnson, Russian mystic Rasputin and an Alaskan Grey Wolf.  The result was a human who carried a nearly godlike voice, the ability to make women fall in love with him by simply breathing and the power to control the minds of feral animals.  Some Danzig fans have claimed that his sweat is capable of curing lupus if ingested once a week for two consecutive months, but this has yet to be independently verified by scientists.

In spite of the fact that they are only three days old, the Danzig girls have already not only exhibited the ability to talk, they have already learned how to deny the possibility of a full Misfits reunion.  The twins have received a great deal of attention around the nursury for their famous father and their matching devilock hairstyles.   MTV has already approached the babies about doing their own reality television show called “The Danzig Sisters” which should be on television starting in the fall.

The Danzig Girls Moments After They Were Born

As rumors of NBA Hall of Famer Dennis Rodman’s possible bankruptcy fill the news, recent court documents have revealed that his collection of heavy metal albums may be a major factor in his current financial crisis.  Rodman, who is believed to owe hundreds of thousands of dollars to his ex-wife, apparently averaged spending 1.3 million dollars a month purchasing metal records over the past three years.

Rodman’s mind-boggling collection takes up two-thirds of his Malibu estate.  It features a mountain of great metal treasures from original vinyl pressings of Iron Maiden’s “The Soundhouse Tapes” to numbered collectors editions of the first ten Judas Priest albums.

Some experts claim that he overvalued many items and paid ridiculous sums for them.  For example, Rodman spent 40,000 dollars on two copies of the recent Morbid Angel IIud Divinum Insanus Wooden Box Set.  The set, which included a red 180 gram copy of the record, a leather bound CD edition and two red candles, was valued at 199 dollars.  He also spent 130,000 dollars to purchase all six hundred and sixty six copies of the Marduk-Panzer Division Set, valued at 40 dollars per copy.

Rodman was duped into purchasing many “autographed” albums that were fraudulent.  For example, Rodman paid 10,000 dollars for a vinyl copy of Anthrax “Among The Living” that was signed by Johnny Belladonna, clearly not the singer from Anthrax.  He also paid 30,000 dollars for a copy of Danzig III:  How The Gods Kill.  The album was autographed by Glen Danzig, a misspelled version of the singer’s name (which has two n’s).

Rodman even purchased European versions of albums that did not actually exist.  He paid 800,000 for one of the supposed 12 copies of Dimmu Borgir’s “Morbid Fascist Iconoclast”, a demo that the band was believed to have recorded in 1989 (four years before they were actually formed).

In spite of the problems, Rodman’s collection is still a sight to behold.  Imagine a record store with everything from Anacrusis to Znowhite.  Rodman has entire rooms dedicated to genres and sub-genres.  His NWOBH metal room, complete with life-sized photos of Steve Harris and Rob Halford, is located right down the hallway from his thrash room, which features a stuffed and mounted fake heads of Chuck Billy, Steve “Zetro” Souza, and Nuclear Assault’s John Connelly on the wall.

For a brief stretch, he even had the real Paulo Jr. from Sepultura living in a caged room in near the garage.  Paulo was kidnapped by a group of Hamas agents and sold to Rodman for 150,000 dollars.  He managed to escape Rodman’s collection by gnawing through the bars when Rodman was on a weekend vacation in the Bahamas.

Rodman did, for a brief moment, consider selling his collection.  It is, after all, valued at over 8.7 million dollars and would set him up securely for the rest of his life.  But Rodman believed that selling his collection might make him a poser, so he quickly shelved the idea.  He has instead, considered selling one or both of his kidneys in order to get himself back on firm financial footing.

Half donkey, half zebra, half Danzig and all parts fuzzy and adorable.  Lucifuge Anzalone, the foal of a male zebra, a female donkey and metal vocalist Glenn Danzig, was reported to be in good health after, just a few days after being born on an island in the South Pacific.  The new species, referred to as a Danzonkey, is not only cute and cuddly, but has a rich, soulful voice reminiscent of Roy Orbison.

The story of Lucifuge’s birth reads like something out of a gothic horror novel.  About nine months ago, Danzig was on a cruise of Southeast Asia when his boat capsized killing all 308 passengers.  Danzig was feared dead, but managed to hold his breath underwater for 6 days while freeing himself from the hull of the boat.  He then swam 300 miles to a remote island near Borneo.

There he encountered Dr. Josef Moreau, a 108-year-old once renowned German scientist who had worked on The Manhattan Project and had been responsible for the creation of DDT.  Moreau had been banished to the island back in 1999 after his controversial creation, a 700,000 pound hybrid of a tuna, a Chihuahua and comedian Jerry Lewis, attacked the city of Tokyo.

At first, Danzig and Moreau struck up a friendship, bonding over their interest in the occult roots of Nazism and one of the lost books of the Bible where Jesus makes clay statues come to life and attack the city of Nazareth.  However, Danzig realized that there was a problem one morning when he found himself drugged, strapped to an operating table and robbed of his male essence.

Later in the evening, he was able to break free of his cage, get his hands on a ham radio and call in a drone air strike that killed Moreau and most of the other beasts that inhabited the island.  However, one of Moreau’s henchmen, a half-human, half-goat named Cupcake, took the female donkey that had been made pregnant with Danzig and a zebra and hid in a cave for months.

Cupcake called the US Department of Defense early on Tuesday in order to sell the recently born Danzonkey, which is reported to have telepathic powers the military hopes to weaponize, for 120 million dollars.  Lucifuge is currently staying in at a secret CIA base in Poland along with a team of scientists and shape shifting telekinetics.  Meanwhile, according to top government officials, Danzig will not be able to gain custody of the Danzonkey, but will retain the right to visit him on weekends and take him to an occasional ballgame or the zoo.

You’ve probably heard of him before. He’s part wolf, part lion, part ubermensch.  He is possibly the most evolved being in human history. He is Glenn Danzig and He is suing you.

In a stunning declaration of war against the entire human race, Glenn Danzig has filed a lawsuit in Manhattan Federal Court against over seven billion human beings. Danzig, who is acting as his own attorney, claimed in one of the over 40 billion documents brought into court by an entire fleet of Federal Express trucks that “He has been done wrong by everyone including Misfits bassist Jerry Only, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, actor Eli Wallach, NFL quarterback Sam Bradford, Frank Oz (the voice of Yoda) and everyone else on this godforsaken planet.”

While some of the suits have been thrown out by the Court as frivolous, over two and a half billion cases will be heard over the next five centuries. Danzig, who is immortal and has over 35,000 defense points (ten times as many as Snorlax), plans to argue each case “with the passion and burning rage of a thousand suns”.

Judge Marvin Barnes labeled many of the suits “patently absurd and possibly indicative of a severe break with reality that could signify mental illness”. For example, Danzig attempted to sue everyone in the country of Azerbaijan for erecting statues in his honor without properly compensating him for the use of his likeness.

His lawsuit against the 1.6 billion citizens of the People’s Republic of China for building thousands of environmentally hazardous coal plants without consulting Him or giving Him proper credit for the invention of coal was also considered not worthy of the Court’s time.

Here’s The Picture of Danzig Buying Kitty Litter For Absolutely No Reason

Barnes begrudgingly agreed to hear 2.5 billion lawsuits because he “greatly admired Danzig’s first four solo albums and even a few songs by Samhain.” Danzig’s five hundred thousand dollar suit against Carol Mosley, a tax accountant in Boise, Idaho, for listening to “How The Gods Kill” without headbanging during the part where the song gets really heavy will go forward.

His 1.2 million dollar suit against Edward Callahan, a construction worker in Sacramento, California, when, in 2011, Callahan laughed hysterically at Danzig’s famed discussion of his book collection where He talks about the crimes of Jesus, clay people and the occult roots of Nazism will also see its day in court.

Danzig’s six hundred million dollar claim against The Tyranny of Tradition for implying that he gave birth to identical twin girls, a suit that would bankrupt myself and my progeny for the next three thousand years, is also proceeding. Danzig also plans to sue this website for having to waste time filing a lawsuit. Finally, Danzig will sue this site for having to file a lawsuit about filing a lawsuit; again wasting valuable time he could be using writing songs about being the nephew of the Devil and his general disdain for having been born.

Heavy metal legend Glenn Danzig is currently working on an album of covers of classic Elvis Presley songs. Danzig, who is referred to by many as Black Elvis both for his dark, Elvis-like voice and his love of New York City Hip Hop icon “Kool Keith” Thornton, has been planning to do an album in homage to the King of Rock and Roll for many years. In 2015, the album will become a reality.

Danzig, who began his singing career at age 12 as an Elvis out front of a Shoprite supermarket in Lodi, New Jersey, has modeled much of his look, attitude and trademark lip curl after Elvis. He even considered wearing a tight-fitting sequin jumpsuit during a concert in Toledo, Ohio in 1993 in tribute to his idol, but was forced to change back into a mesh shirt and black jeans by local officials who were concerned about the “hypnotizing, potentially mind-altering effect of his protruding pectoral muscles” on women in attendance.

Danzig (Age 12) Meeting President Richard Nixon in 1971

There are literally thousands of Elvis cover albums out, but Danzig plans to cover many of the lesser-known songs by the legendary crooner. “Everyone does “Suspicious Minds” and “Jailhouse Rock”. Glenn wanted to reflect a larger body of the King’s work,” said Danzig spokesman Larry Wainwright.

Danzig plans to re-record “It Ain’t My Fault”, a B-side of the single “Hound Dog”. That song was later popularized in the late 1990s by hip-hop legends Silkk The Shocker and Mystikal. He also has created a medley of “Whomp! There It Is!/Dayzee Dukes/C’mon ‘N Ride It (Da Train)”, recorded in 1974 on The King’s oft-forgotten “Shake Dat Thang, Heffa” album.

A rumor that Sunn O))), Slash and Linda Ronstadt would be joining him for a stirring rendition of “Lawdy Miss Clawdy” has been confirmed by several anonymous sources close to Danzig. A collaboration between Danzig, Cat Stevens, Doyle Von Frankenstein, Julie Andrews, Suffocation and Jimmie “JJ” Walker, star of the 1970’s television show “Good Times”, on the song “I Forgot To Remember To Forget” is also being considered.

Reports are sketchy on what other songs might be covered, but several websites have speculated that Elvis songs like “Breadfan”, “Stone Cold Crazy” and “Die Die My Darling” will be on the record.

Glenn Danzig has had enough.

For years, Americans have mocked him. They giggled at his bluesy, Elvis-like vocal style. They chortled at the novelty of a man nearly 60 years old still attempting to fit into muscle shirts. They created hundreds of thousands of memes with him carrying kitty litter to his car. They howled watching the guy from the Northside Kings knock him senseless. Now, Danzig will make them pay.

At exactly 10 o’clock this morning Danzig issued an official statement from his castle on the outskirts of Lodi, New Jersey throwing down the proverbial mesh shirt and challenging anyone who wants to poke fun at him to no-holds-barred battle for survival. Danzig has stated that on July 1^st at noon he will be behind the Wawa in Hoboken and willing to fight all comers.

“I told your children not to walk my way. I told your children to hear my words. What they mean. What they say,” read Danzig’s Press Secretary and former Nixon aide Ron Ziegler from a somewhat incoherent prepared statement written by the famed vocalist.

The throng of reporters gathered in front of the moat surrounding Danzig’s famed Castle Liberskull looked on incredulously as Ziegler continued.  “They laugh and they laugh. Silly little puppets dancing on their silly little strings. AHHHAAHHAAAAA…look…Danzig’s buying an ordinary consumer item that all cat owners have purchased at one time or another. He’s a normal person.”

“Or…HAAAAHAAAA… some guy from some band that no one has ever heard of sucker punched Danzig and he slipped on a wet spot on the floor and fell. He’s no superior being. He’s a mortal. Like me. Well…meet me at the Wawa at high noon on July 1^st and we’ll see who the superior being is.”

Danzig has hired boxing trainer extraordinaire Freddie Roach to train him to fight the mob of hundreds of thousands of so-called “internet trolls” who are reportedly ready to descend on Hoboken in order to get their shot at knocking out a heavy metal legend.

Roach was an odd choice for Danzig, considering he’s an expert in training fighters like Manny Pacquiao for one-on-one combat, but has never prepared a man to simultaneously fight the population of a medium sized American city. Still, Danzig is confident that the training regiment Roach has prepared for him, which features regular sparring against a pack of feral wolves Danzig keeps locked up in his basement, will ready him to destroy all in his way.